Mother’s Day…

Are you ready for a big dose of vulnerability?

Mother’s Day can be a really hard day for me.

In fact...I dread Mother’s Day.

I grieve my own angel mom who died 24 years ago.

I want to hug my daughter who lives out of the country.

I miss living away from our dear family that is celebrating together in Utah.

It is disappointing going to church by myself and hearing about all the amazing moms out there.

I am jealous of the cute families sitting together and the husbands that spoil their wives.

I mourn with all the women who are hurting because of infertility, estrangement, death, and all the other yuck of life.

I judge myself for the times that I don’t show up as the mom I want to be and forget what a great job I really am doing.

I have expectations for how my people should be perfect humans and validate my goodness by celebrating me from dawn until dusk (not very realistic).

I feel ashamed that I am not enjoying the day and not appreciating all the good around me.

​Turns out, it is not the day I dread, it is the powerful uncomfortable emotions I am scared of: grief, resentment, judgment, jealousy, etc.

All that feels terrible.

I don’t want to feel any of that so I resist, react, and avoid my emotions by staying really busy, ignoring how I really feel, not showing up how I want to, and numbing out.

Sometimes I guilt my family into doing what I want them to do and it doesn't go well.

Or I might pretend it doesn’t hurt and celebrate myself: buy what I want, make the meal I would love, or write myself a card.

Perhaps I come up with a plan to focus on others on Mother's Day so I don't have to feel my disappointment.

​What if this year could be different?

What if I didn’t make it a problem that all those emotions come up for me?

What if I embraced all the human parts of me with compassion just like I would a dear friend who was struggling?

What if I just allowed all the feels to come up and allowed myself to be perfectly imperfect?

​For the record: I am all for sharing my expectations (in fact I highly recommend it), loving on myself (all the time, not just Mother's Day), and focusing outward.

BUT I don't want to do those things to run from my emotions.

I want to allow what is really coming up for me and then do those things because that is who I want to be, not because I don't want to feel the feels.

When I allow my emotions to be there with compassion and validate myself then I am more likely to see all the beauty that is available when I am ready to see it.

​This year my Mother’s Day gift to myself will be to let me be me with a heart full of compassion for whatever comes up.

I am not going to pretend I am a robot mom void of human emotions, because I am not.

If Mother's Day is hard for you, I want you to know I get it.

If you need to work though the tough stuff that comes up, I am here for you.

Happy Mother's Day my loves.