My Instant Pot Came With A Users Manual, But My Husband Didn't
My Instant Pot is one of my favorite appliances. All the things it says it will do in the users manual it does and MORE! Perfect hard boiled eggs, cooked beans without overnight soaking, steel cut oats ready for me when I wake up, and perfect pulled pork in a less than an hour. When we follow the manual, we expect things to work the way they are supposed to.
Appliances come with users manuals, but people don't. Unknowingly, we mentally create unspoken manuals detailing how the people around us should/shouldn't act so WE can feel better. We have created some pretty thick manuals for our spouses based off observations of our parents, what we have learned at church, fictional relationships from Hollywood, watching acquaintances and strangers, and the thoughts we have about them. Some common manual instructions may include:
They should:
put the silverware in the dishwasher the "right" way.
respond to my texts immediately.
make a big deal about my birthday.
tell me they love me.
not spend so much time __________.
know what I want, how I feel, what I need.
be emotionally available.
not play so many video games.
help more around the house.
talk less/more.
have the same religious beliefs and practices I do.
be just like me.
This is all fine and dandy when your spouse "follows" your manual because then you can feel happy. But what about the times they don't? Some of the time we haven't even communicated those expectations with them. We assume our way is the right way so they should know how to act. If our emotional life is directly tied to their behaving a certain way we give away all of our emotional power and set ourselves up for disappointment. Share your expectations with them but don't hang your happiness on whether or not they meet them because sometimes they won't. We often think we can only be happy if our spouse changes. That is a bummer for us if our emotional state is dependent on the actions of others we have no control over. It is hard enough to change and control ourselves, yet we think we can control and manage other people.
What is in your manual for your spouse? How is that working out for you? Are you having a hard time changing him? If you are tired of waiting for your spouse to change so you can be happy, let's chat. I can help you. Click the button below to schedule a free mini session.
